Mixed emotions...

It was around ten years back, sometime in the month of August, a time when my school organizes the yearly, and much awaited, Brother Convoy Cup - popularly known as the 5-3 football tournament. It was a dream for every football player in the school to wear the school colours. It was my first entry into the school 5-3 team and I was appointed as the vice-captain. Playing as the left-full back, I was the last person of challenge for the opponent to get to the goal. Needless to say, we had a makeshift goalkeeper owing to last minute accident of our regular keeper. This made life all the more difficult for us four backs in the defense.

Our team started the tournament with a bad note. We lost the opening match by one goal. The team was a bit disappointed after the match. It was a realization for our team, including our makeshift goalkeeper, that we were playing without a proper goalkeeper. I must say at this point that our goalkeeper was not at all to be blamed for this. All through the season he had been practicing as a full back alongside me and he really had a tough time taking up the new responsibility. It was the need of the hour to unite the team even more strongly and we decided that from our next game we ought not let the ball get close to the goalkeeper. After much talking and escalation of enthusiasm, the team regained some energy and zeal for the next match.

We happened to sail through the rest of the games quite smoothly with our goalkeeper relaxing at his post. The school boys, teachers, headmistress and the staff were all very happy to see our team perform as one single unit. I, personally, have not seen such unity earlier, and even till today. Then came the most important match of the tournament - the semi-final. Yes, the semi-final was 'the' most important match of the tournament. It was for the only reason that we were to face our arch-rival in this game. These two schools have always fostered enmity on all competitions. The football field was not any exception. And this always invited for a rough and fierce clash among the participants, providing lots of entertainment to the onlookers. An life time's experience exquisitely meted out to the players who represented the school team.

The game started with tension on both sides. With the sole intention to overdo the opponent and emerge victorious before an overcrowded and hyperactive crowd on all sides of the ground, both teams more than their personal best. With all the cheering and the equally abundant jeering filling the air above us created an atmosphere hard to describe. By the end of the first half of the game, none of us managed to score a goal and take the upper hand. This made both the teams to hit back at at each other more fiercely.

No sooner than the second half of the game started, the sky broke loose with a downpour. Referee offered both captains to accept a draw in the game and that the winner be decided by a toss of coin. Both captains refused without a second thought or even consultation. By then, our blood was steaming with adrenaline. Game resumed on the slush of mud, grass and water, fondly termed as 'chocolate' ground. Even till the end of the regular time the score was goal-less draw. Referee announced tie-breaker and our hearts started pounding. We knew that we were in the back-foot. Our goalkeeper would be exposed and would have to fight it out alone.

As is the norm with tension ruining ones calmness and clear thought, I was not any exception. We did not know what to do. The tie-breaker started and I decided to take the fourth shot. After three shots each, the score was 1-2 in our favour. With 2 shots left for both teams, there was chance for both the teams to clinch the match. Fortunately, only one shot was directed to our goal from the three shots taken by our opponent. The fourth shot of our opponent was to be taken next. We were anxious. We only hoped that the shot either outside the goal itself or it went straight into the hands of our goalkeeper. Some of our players closed their eyes deciding not to witness the catastrophe. The shot was taken. The ball was traveling towards the left top corner of the goal. Our goalkeeper was one more onlooker just like us on the field. How helplessly we were looking at the ball traveling towards the goal. Will it be a goal? Will it be not?

The wait was over. The ball flew over the goal post and out of the field. We all breathed a sigh of relief. The score was still 1-2 in our favour. Now it was my shot. If I scored in my shot then there was no need for any more shots and we would be the winners. Soon, there were cheers from all around. The team started explaining that if I scored in my shot then we would win. I was the vice-captain. And this added to my tension. All sorts of thoughts came into my mind. What if I missed to score in this shot. Being the vice-captain I failed to score when it was most needed. How would I sit with my class friends and all those people in the school who would have had hoped that I would score to seal the victory of our team. It was the failure to score that started to haunt me. The failure seemed heavier to bear than the success. I was not ready to take the shot, not with all the people around. I took a look around the field. I saw familiar faces all around. Faces of my teammates, face of my coach, faces of my classmates, faces of other students of the school, faces of the teachers whom I knew, faces of the teachers who knew me. Even the canteen staff were there. All were looking at me with hopeful eyes and heart full of anxiety. Wish time stopped there!

Referee handed me the ball and instructed me to take the shot. I wanted more time. Actually, I wanted to disappear from there. What if I failed to score? The thought came again and again. It made me senseless. I placed the ball and was took a few steps back. Referee thought that I was ready to take the shot. But, was I ready to take the shot? No, I was never ready for taking such a heavy shot. I did not know where to hit the ball to score. I was so tensed that I was not able to think of anything other than the outcome of a failed shot. The referee blew the whistle. Now there was no way out. I had to take the shot. Where should I hit the ball to score? I had no idea. The referee looked at me and asked me to take the shot. How very strange it was. Everyone in the field was tensed but how indifferent was the referee. So senseless was he to the situation! Was he for real!

All the cheers started to fade away in the distance. The ball was lying before me and a little further was the goalkeeper guarding his fort. And there was no one else anywhere around. There was a surprising numbness around me. As if the whole world has stopped and was waiting for the shot. I ran towards the ball. The goalkeeper was not moving, his eyes were fixed to my feet. Will I be able to score? What if the goalkeeper stops my shot? What if I kick outside the goal itself? At last I kicked the ball. It moved towards the right top corner of the goal. Will the ball go above the goal and I will fail to score? The ball still went on. What if I had hit the ball too hard! I did not want to see where the ball went, I just wanted this to get over and people not remember anything. Alas, it was not in my hands!

The ball still kept moving towards that corner of the goal. I was staring with anticipation and blank thought. And, then, the ball hit the net. It was a goal! It took some time for me to understand that I was able to score. Still it was silence all around. I looked around to figure out where I was. I turned around to find some kids, dressed in yellow football jerseys running towards me. They looked jubilant and were shouting. But, why was I not able to hear them? Why were they running towards me? Before I could understand the situation I was in, these players were all over me. I was buried under the heap of some jubilant football players. It was all dark around my eyes. It was getting difficult to breath. I realized that if I did not get out in a few second then it would be the last of me. I was in a state of shock! My senses were not working. I could not speak or push them off. Helplessly I closed my eyes. I had given up.

Fighting for my breath, I slowly started to sink into the situation. I had just taken a shot in a tie-breaker and had scored. We have won the game against our rival. We have come out victorious. My shot sealed the victory for us. What an irony! Just when I was understanding that it was a happy moment for me, I was suffocating under the the happy and jubilant teammates! I have bestowed happiness to the people around me yet I am unable to enjoy any of it. Fortunately, these people came up with some other idea of celebrating and they moved off and then took me up and ran around the field.

Today, when I look back to that moment, I realize how close I had been to my death. Why does life treat me this way? The happy moments are either very, very short-lived or are actually enjoyed by the others around me. I do not complain of the latter. Well, that's what has become the meaning of my life...